my baobei cedar jacket.
the last batch of dark blue jackets.
unlike the newer yellow urghhh jackets.
):
cedarrr jackettttttttttttt.
ohno.
what if its been thrown away? DX
sian.
just thought about it today.
i changed so much since secondary sch.
far so much.
essentially im still me.
still the same core.
but it seems like my shell has been shed.
and a new shell has grown.
i used to be so defensive.
setting up a wall against everyone.
didnt let my emotions cross that wall.
its generally kept within control.
even if im upset,
it seems as though im a person with
not much of an emotion.
and that changed,
i became more trusting.
became more vulnerable.
i dont know if its a good thing.
but that is besides the point.
good or not,
ive changed anyway.
i used to keep my problems to myself.
now i do share.
and the one time i felt the most hopeless.
the worse period i went thru in this year,
i didnt receive the help i asked for.
even though i was stubborn,
and i used to build a wall.
but i shed that wall.
to ask for help.
and i was denied that help.
i know it may not be your fault.
that u probably feel as helpless as
i did.
but i believed in you.
despite my reservations due to
my past experiences,
i believed in you,
more than one time,
even though i told myself not
to ever be so trusting to people.
i still fell for it.
and i believed,
even though no one else could help,
at least you could.
at least i believed in it.
and i got a reply of "i dont know how"
and somehow,
i never really recovered from that.
and now.
i feel like a coward.
hiding myself.
so i wun bug u.
so i wun try to meet you or see you.
so i wun try to call.
so i wun sms u things that i dont meant to
have said.
but said in a bout of uncontrolled temper
and spite.
and that has never happened before.
for one of the first time in my life.
im behaving strangely out of character,
since the start of this year.
never been so coward,
never been so timid,
never been so afraid of someone's opinion of me
before.
hiding myself in sch,
at home,
in my own shell,
preventing myself from going out of control.
somehow,
when it comes to you,
my emotions get out of control so easily,
by the time i realise,
my emotional swing is already over,
and i have already done things i didnt want
to in the first place.
and thats why im hiding.
i duno why i even blog all these,
cause you probably dont even read,
you dont even care anymore i guess.
its probably like im non existent.
maybe its just an emotional release.
so i wun blow up like some volcano due to
pent up emotions.
